Dreams.

       10:25 pm. It's been a while. A while ago, when I'm still thinking about this, I thought I have a lot to say. Look now, it's like I'm running out of words. I do feel like a Senior now. Having stress, depression, lovestuff, and everything else. I'm just glad now that I have so many friends I can count on, that sometimes, if I'm really down, they'd do something that will really surprise me, and I can cheer up for atleast a moment. Life is really full of ups and downs, like a see-saw. It's hard, like contradicting a concept. haha, Like,  a lot of girls nowadays think that all men are alike. Like they're saying that if you put all your love into something, it always comes out with the best result? It's not true.

         
          I can say that I'm enjoying my life now, in spite all of this problems, all of this I'm experiencing. I can say that I'm enjoying my HS life. I go home late, eat my dinner in the malls, all of it. I don't even care at my blood problem anymore like I get sick most of the time, because of my blood problems. I just want to live for the moment, even if I know that if I push myself too hard, I can die.  All of that, it's just a distraction. I can still say that love is the greatest motivation in life, because it's like a special adrenalin, it gets you so worked up, that you can do things that you can't or you don't usually do. Why? I can never wake up early in the morning without thinking of the one I love. Just so you know, you're the reason I stay late in school, helping out, even if I play no part of it. You're the reason I sing, because I dedicate all of it to you. Every single lyric, every word. You're the reason in almost everything I do. I want you to know that I'll fight for you, if you want me to. I'll protect you, when the situation asked me to. I'll be there when you need me, because I know that you know I'm still the best man you could ever have.

            I'm sorry if I failed you, I'm sorry if you think I'm boastful, I'm sorry if I'm melodramatic sometimes. I just want you to know, that I'm different from all the guys you've met. I don't really know if you need me, or if you're afraid to lose me. But whatever it is, whatever comes along, even if we really have to separate ways, I'm glad that you loved me, and I'm glad that I did the same too. I have plans ahead of us, dreams. Dreams to make and turn into reality. Dreams that you and me can finally be.

           Just tell me everything, it will be alright. You know how much I need you, I know that you need me to. Haha, you just don't have a clue how much I love you. I just hope you feel the same. Goodnight, Dear. :)

Passion.

10:13 pm. I feel lonely. Not to the point like I'm a loner, but I feel like alone in my pain. Maybe I'm just adjusting to my situation, it's not like I can't get over with this feeling. Maybe my heart, or myself rather, is searching for something I used to have. I used to have, I used to. Did I really had it once upon a time? Or I just assumed it, that I had it. A LOVER.

Sometimes, I think that I'm pathetic, thinking of someone, whom I never knew if  spent even 1 second thinking of me. Have you experienced that feeling, that you just need to believe? You don't see things to believe in. It's like you just rely on your FAITH. Our will aids our Faith, for without Will, it will be nothing. Fear, Premonitions and being Paranoid is the enemy of that Faith. Because of Fear, your thinking becomes clouded, and you lose the sight.

There was once this girl, who used to rely on me. Who used to think of me. Who used to miss me. Who used to love me. Before, she was just a Dream, got me Enchanted and Amazed, but still, not yet my Reality. I don't know how we turned out like this. I've always hated to ask her over and over again if she loves me, because I want to believe. I want to trust her, I really love her, but it's not enough to describe it. I know she knows how I feel, but I don't know how she feels right now. If she really feels the same, or whatever. She once left me. I don't know how things right now will work out. I don't know how to describe this.

Maybe now, the thing that's really going to make me happy is the Truth. About everything. About what she feels. About what she's thinking ahead of us. about what she wants to happen. The thing all about us. If this will go on, I want to keep the love going. I can't give up on her because she's all I wanted. I can understand whatever reason she has, because that's what she wants.

--DEAR.

Hate Makes The World Go Round.

The true reason that I made this because I'm full of hate right now.

 I hate people as much as I love them. I hate them because they're so foolish and greedy. Because they close their minds easily that leads to misunderstanding. Because they're too selfish to think of others, too afraid to live tomorrow. I hate them, because they hate. They hate because they don't understand. That's what people are, judgmental beings, eager to make decisions and to blame others. I love them because they're kind, I love them because they're truly indescribably, as if this thing I'm typing is none of worth. 

Sad to say, I'm one of them. I'm living this life. I'm the one who hates and loves. I'm the one who needs understanding. I need someone to talk to, someone like you. It's much better now, thanks to you, who wasted time reading this, this worthless post I'm typing. 

I really wish I have someone who truly understands me, not someone who pretends. Not someone who hugs&kiss me just to keep me reassured. Not someone who will stab me someday. Not someone who will tell me to keep quiet, but to "keep going, I'm listening." Not someone who will reveal this mask I'm wearing. Not someone who will spoil your lifetime moments. And certainly not someone who always thinks that his/she's better than I am, but understands our differences. 

I have put on a beautiful mask, for others not to be bothered by this thoughts of mine. I always wore that smiley-face, always laughing, seems not to take anything seriously. Even my friends don't know this. They don't know the real me. All they know is we're alright, we're kids alright. We're happy, take time as it goes, as if we have that luxury. I never took the chance, the choice, to share my thoughts to anyone but this, because the truth is, I'm AFRAID. I'm afraid sharing this to other people because they might think that I'm crazy, insane, I'm a retard, sharing this sentiment of mine, finding someone who will understand me? Finding someone who will forbid me to hate, someone who has viewed the world the other way like me. 

This is my sanctuary. This is where I can type this thoughts of mine, which seems like I'm talking to myself, or to you, whoever you are reading this. Well, I'm glad if you really bothered yourself to read this. Realizing that I'm a coward, I'm retarded and so forth. 

I certainly feel better now, all that those typing made me feel better, it looked like I'm really talking to someone who truly listened. 

Yours truly, 

TheCrownedClown

Overview.

I can't really sleep, so I thought of something worth doing for a while. 

My thoughts has been echoing in my mind for days. Saying that, "Will I see the world change?" "Who will make it happen or start it?" Then someone inside me answered, "You, and you can start it today." 

Is normal for us to accept changes as it goes? I mean we can accept it as a part of life, but the question is, are there any people who doesn't want changes in their lives? Living in their own stagnant life, contented on the things as they are. But this is a changing world, and when you say change, it's not always for the better right? Time will come that those changes might be unbearable to us humans, because of what we've done. It's our fault that this world is distorted. Have you encountered people who chased perfection? It doesn't always mean that you're a perfectionist, chasing perfection means that you have a healthy dissatisfaction to change things for the better, thus achieveing perfection. But nay, we are humans, and being imperfect is what defines us. 

Those who dream of changing the world carries a burden of trials, problems, and also.. the HATE of the world. Because when you say that you want to change the world, it also means that, "You, yes you. You need to let go of the flow. Start a new phase. You don't need to be one of them to belong. Being you is important, and it's you're otive that counts." 

You, whoever you are reading this, might think I'm crazy, haha. For thinking too much, saying that I have those stupid thoughts of wanting to see the world change. But think of this, if the world wouldn't change for the better, the only thing that you'll witness is its retribution for man's foolishness. Our weakness is being innocent, unaware and careless. We don't care even for those slightest-details of life. I mean, did anyone of you ever thought of this? 

Man has been always innocent. We always try to see the bigger picture, and lose sight of the important details. And when we focus too much on the details, we lose the bigger picture. Our lives is the BIG Pitcure, and this, this is one of those details that makes it up. 

This world can undergo innovation too. Fin~